Monday, February 20, 2012

Sun Spot - Take 3

Here it is... This is the 3rd edit of the story, and I think it is finished. I might expand on it to turn it into a novelette, but haven't decided yet.

Enjoy!

“What was that?” I shouted as I woke up with a start. Samantha, Sam for short, was already sitting up in bed next to me, fumbling on her bed side table, looking for the light switch. When she finally found it, the tell tale click did nothing.

“You ok?” she asked with concern in her voice.

“Hmmm... Yeah, I think so”

“The light’s broken”, she said, getting out of bed and trying the wall switch. Again, there was nothing.

“The power must be out”, I told her. “I’ll get my torch”. I fumbled in my bed side table’s drawer and found it. We both heard the click, but nothing happened.

Just then, Jenny screamed from her bedroom. She was only six years old, and still didn’t like the dark. She tended to panic when the power went out and she didn’t have her night light to see that the monsters weren’t there with her in her room.

Sam was out of our room in a flash. She was, and still is, an amazing mother, and nothing, not even the Lego block on the floor was going to stop her getting to Jen to help calm her.

“What’s the time?” I thought to myself as I pushed the little button on my watch to try and illuminate the face of my cheap but reliable watch. Nothing happened, so I tried again with the same result.

We had been up watching the unscheduled meteor shower that lit the night sky up with its natural fireworks show. I was tired so I yawned, stretched and rubbed my eyes, and then looked over at where my mobile phone was. I couldn’t see it in the dark. “Where is it?” I thought to myself. I felt for it, and sure enough, there it was, exactly where I had left it when we had come to bed. It didn’t turn on when I found and pushed the on/off switch.

The feeling that something wasn’t quite right had slowly been getting stronger as the minutes had moved on. I was trying to shrug it off, but panic was setting in.

My hands were shaking a little as I got up to go and join Sam and Jen, swearing as I stepped on what I assumed was the same piece of Lego that Sam had stepped on, and limped into Jen’s room, wishing, like parents all over the world, that all Lego would pick itself up when children stopped playing with it.

I could see a little light through the thin curtains in Jen’s bedroom. “Phew.” I thought to myself when I realised that the sun would soon begin to creep above the horizon, casting what would at first be a red glow over the world that we knew. Sam turned to look at me as I hobbled into the room.

“I don’t get it.” I told her in a confused way. “There’s no electricity.”

“I can see that!” she said, a little annoyed with me for swearing within earshot of Jen and, stating what she thought was the obvious.

“No – There is no electricity in anything. Everything electronic is dead!” I paused for a split second, and then added, “Everything!”

She turned, to look at me, but couldn’t see me clearly in the gloom. “What do you mean? Everything?” she asked. I could tell that she didn’t believe me.

“My watch is dead, and so is my torch. Even my cell phone isn’t working.” I answered.

“Did you remember to charge it?” Her tone this time was condescending. She only gets this way when she is stressed and needs an outlet, so I walked over and created a three way hug.

“It was fully charged when we went to bed”, I told her as calmly as I could.

“Put new batteries in it daddy”, Jen innocently added with a little sob between words. Being six years old made her an expert in everything, and she knew that was the solution to our problem. Boy did I wish it was that simple.

The first time I became aware of the rumbling, was while the three of us were holding on to each other, getting what little comfort we could in the strange circumstances. The room was getting a little lighter, but at the same time, the rumbling sound was getting a little louder.

We could feel the vibrations through our feet on the floor, and Jen’s little picture of pooh bear hanging on her cupboard began a gentle rattle. Things were getting stranger by the minute.

“Daddy, I’m scared” Jen said in her small quiet voice. She seemed so small and dainty, huddled up in our arms.

“I know my love. I know.” I told her, while I stroked her head and hoped that everything was going to be ok.

The sun seemed to me, to be getting higher in the sky a lot faster than usual. I was convinced that it was my imagination, but I wanted to make sure.

“I’ll be right back.” I said to my small, loving family, as I stood up, walked out of the room and got the key to the front gate of our home.

After opening the front door, I unlocked the security gate, stepped out and looked around the corner of the house, in the direction of the rising sun.

What I saw made me want to empty my bladder in my pyjama pants.

The sun had just broken above the horizon, but instead of it being a little pin prick of a sliver, the sliver filled about half of the horizon. If that little tiny piece of the top of the sun filled so much of the horizon, then how big or close was the sun to the earth right now?

My mind was reeling. I couldn’t think straight and a feeling of doom overcame me. “Were we all going to die?”

I looked back over my shoulder and saw Sam standing behind me with a worried look on her face. Jen was holding onto her left leg, as if her life depended on it, tears of fear streaming down her cute cheeks and dripping on to her pyjama top.

“Look”, Sam said, pointing at the huge English oak tree in our front garden. The leaves were wilting and turning a grey/brown colour as we watched.

Birds were dropping from the sky and the air seemed almost like it could catch fire any second as the sun rose not slowly enough.

The next thing we knew, the air did something unusual, even for that day. It looked and felt almost like it wobbled, but not really. We all screamed, and then everything was dark and quiet. All we could hear was our own breathing, and that was heavy and fast, from fear.

I could still feel Sam’s hand on my shoulder, so I quietly and as calmly as I could, said “Sam?” I could hear the tremble in my voice echo quietly.

“Here” Came her response.

“Mommy… What’s happening?” came from down below and next to Sam. It was Jen, and we could hear the fear in her voice as well. She was in tears, and her quiet sobs, gave us another clue as to just how scared she was. Sam and I both knew how much the dark scared Jen. I could only imagine what was going through her young mind. Terror was all I could think about, and it sickened me to think that she was as scared as she was.

“I don’t know my love” Sam answered her as she let go of my shoulder, bent down and picked Jen up. I turned around and embraced them both. I needed the contact and the reassurance that the contact with the two ladies in my life gave me.

We were alive, but for how long?

I could still feel what felt like a solid surface below my feet, and assumed that we were in the same spot as before the darkness enveloped us, but I just couldn’t be sure. As I extended my arm out to feel for the wall and entrance to our house, I felt nothing. The house was no longer where I thought it was.

The feel of my wife and child holding on to me as I held on to them, was nice, but I was more worried and scared for our safety that at any time ever before in my life. I like to know what is going on, and at that point, I didn’t have a clue. I didn’t have any idea what had happened to us, and what was worse, I didn’t know what was going to happen either.

I could hear a small whimper coming from Jen as I tried to figure out what was happening to us, but nothing came to mind. Sam broke the silence, by asking what I was beginning to wonder. It was an amazing ability that we had. We could think almost exactly the same thing, sometimes, with one of us verbalizing it to the other’s surprise.

“Are we dead?” she asked.

“I don’t know… Maybe?” I replied.

Taking a deep breath confirmed to me that the air was no longer scorching. It felt cool and refreshing, not stiflingly hot. We couldn’t have asked for it to be any more comfortable.

“The air seems nice. Almost perfect if you ask me.” I said to no one in particular.

“Me too” came Sam’s reply.  “It’s almost like the air-con is set to a perfect temperature.“

“Where are we?” Jen enquired. She seemed to be getting more used to our surroundings, and the fact that Sam and I were calm seemed to be helping her.

“I’m not sure my love.” Sam said.

My confusion was leading a little to frustration. “It would be nice if we could see where we were.” As I said that, there was a little whooshing sound in front of us, and I instinctively ducked a little. The butterflies in my belly became more noticeable and the small hairs on the back of my neck stood out on end.

We could suddenly see and what we saw made me wonder about my sanity.

The view was spectacular. A planet that looked like the earth, far in the inky black distance, was in the process of being devoured by the sun. “Is that...” I couldn’t finish my question.

The surface of what we were looking through must have been tinted, because our eyes weren’t being burned out of our heads. All I could think about was that our home on that wonderfully quiet patch of land was going up in flames. The lives of over seven billion people were being ended just like that. No questions asked, just horrific death and destruction.

I looked at Sam only to see her staring, with a shocked look and tears streaming down her face, at our home being vaporized. Words didn’t feel like they would be enough. Nothing did, but I held on to my small family anyway.

The sun was slowly being pulled towards the earth. It could have been the earth being attracted to the sun, but I couldn’t tell. “What about my Lego?” Jen asked. She didn’t know what was going on, and I was pretty glad for that. “I wish it was here.” In a split second it was at her feet. She shrieked with joy, sat down and began playing with it, giggling with happiness. Perhaps it was better that she had something to occupy her mind so she didn’t have to see the destruction that was before us?

Sam looked at me, then down at Jen playing with the Lego, and then back up at me. Her jaw was slack, and she had a look of total disbelief on her face. That look was mirrored on my face. The look on her face told me everything I could need to know about what she was thinking.

“I could do with a Snickers bar right now” she said. Poof, there it was at her feet.

“I would love a Coke” I joined in, and was rewarded with a 300ml glass bottle of the dark fizzy liquid at my feet. When I noticed that it wasn’t open, I said sarcastically, “It would help if it was open!” The bottle cap disappeared with a little pop and fizz.

Sam and I bent down to pick our little prizes up at the same time. She held the candy bar, in its wrapper out and looked at it while I watched her. She held it up and examined it.

“Looks like the real thing. Should I open it?”

“What have you got to lose?” I asked, pointing at what was once our home.

She carefully opened the wrapper, slid the chocolate bar out a little and took a small experimental bite.

“What’s it like?” I asked, dying to know the answer.

“Exactly like the real thing.” The amazement was written on her face as chewed and held it out for me to have a taste for myself. I took a bite and was shocked to taste exactly what I expected to taste. Not only did it taste like a Snickers bar, but it was a Snickers bar.

“How’s that possible?” I wondered aloud.

“Mommy, can I have some?” Jen asked.

“How do you ask?” Sam answered. The mom in her coming out even is this situation.

“Please can I have some?” She tried again.

Sam looked at me with a “Should I?” look on her face.

“It tastes normal. Go for it.” I answered.

Sam held the bar out to Jen, who took it and sat down to happily eat and play with her Lego.

I looked down at the bottle in my hand. It was cool to the touch, and a little condensation was running down the bottle, over my fingers and dripping on the surface that we were standing on. Holding it up so that I could look at the contents of the bottle, I could see the bubbles wobbling this way and that on their journey to the surface of the dark liquid.

It looked like Coke, and as I brought the bottle to my lips and took a little sip, I could taste the refreshing flavor of Coke. To say the least; I was amazed. First the Lego, then the Snickers bar, and now a perfectly cooled Coke. “What next?” I thought to myself.

Sam had a taste and agreed with me that it was delicious.

The flash of the explosion drew my attention away from the contents of the bottle that Sam was holding. There was a sphere of flame, rock and gas expanding away from where the earth was. It was blowing outward from the side of the sun that had devoured our home world. A feeling of dread overcame me.

“What are we going to do?” I asked in a hushed voice. My heart had broken into a billion pieces, just like the core of our world was now spreading itself outward through the solar system. I sat down. Sam followed me, and we began to weep.

After what seemed like hours, but could only have been a few seconds, my thoughts began to clear. Jen was still sitting playing with her Lego, and Sam was resting her head on my shoulder. We had all gotten what we wanted when we said it out aloud. Jen had gotten her Lego, Sam, her Snickers bar, and I had received a Coke.

My stomach gurgled. We had not had anything to eat since we had been woken up.

“I could really do with a nice hot pizza.”

I appeared without any fanfare or sound. One second it wasn’t there, and the next it was. Steam was rising from its cheese and tomato covered surface.

“It could do with some mushrooms, garlic and pepperoni as well.” I stated, as if I had done it a million times and I just expected my request to be carried out. The toppings appeared just as quickly and as uneventfully as the pizza had appeared a few seconds prior.

“You forgot the plates and silverware.” Sam said. “We need three plates and knives and forks.”

We had everything we would need to eat as well, so we all tucked in and ate pizza. It was the best pizza we could have hoped for.

A thought had begun to form in my mind that I couldn’t really grasp fully until I had eaten 3 slices. “What if we were to ask to be taken back home to a point in time before the planet was destroyed?” I had said it more to myself, but it was loud enough for Sam to hear, and she just looked at me as if I was the most amazing person she had ever known.

“I would like to be back on earth, in our home, with Sam and Jen, at 8pm the night before the earth was destroyed.”

Again! No poof or bang. We were home!

4 comments:

  1. Story summary as I understood it:
    The story follows a family who wake up in the night. They calm their daughter, and investigate strange happenings. Outside, they find the sun larger than it should be. They are then whisked away to a distant environment, outside Earth's atmosphere where they see the Earth destroyed. In this environment, whatever they wish for, happens. They wish to go back to Earth. Their wish is granted, the story ends.

    The story's themes:
    family is strong during a crisis
    staying positive in a crisis helps

    The story's strong points:
    The child sees simple solutions to complex problems, and this is contrasted with her remaining innocent and needing a toy to play with even during adversity
    As the Earth approaches the Sun, electrical items stop working, and this is used as a device to hint that something bigger is happening in the outside world
    The story is written with an open style, is easily accessible, and the language is direct and active.

    The story's development needs:
    A short story needs a strong inciting incident - the event from where we jump into the story, already hooked. This story has no explained inciting incident. The main character wakes up with a shout, but there is no real explanation of what has disturbed him. I would concentrate on something stronger. Apocalypse is approaching, the Earth is being destroyed. Where are the screams outside, the alarms that start and cut off, the fires raging?

    Some of the sentences are the length of paragraphs, and need to be broken up. Eg, the paragraph/sentence beginning "My hands were shaking a little..."

    A meteor shower is mentioned, but does not appear to serve the story in any way. Was it caused by the approaching Sun? Does the main character think a meteor has landed, and this is what's causing the problems?

    Sam - no need to introduce her as Samantha and then cut it down. She's called Sam, it's enough.

    When Sam leaves the bedroom, why would a small brick of Lego stop her?

    A long time is spent by the family ordering food and eating it. It slows the action and doesn't help the story. Shorten it.

    When the family move away from Earth, they don't show any interest in their new environment. What does it look like? Is anyone else there? What is the point of this new environment? How does it help the story?

    The family go back to Earth, and... what? Stay on it until it is destroyed again? Is it a new Earth? Is it supposed to be an allegory for heaven? There is no end to the story, the characters' feelings and their crisis (their world being destroyed, their emotions laid bare) isn't resolved. There is simply a bit of magic which makes everything better. Where's the drama, the struggle? And then the resolution?

    Hope this helps you with a 4th draft.

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    Replies
    1. Hey...

      Thanks for the long and very helpful coments.

      I'll give them some thought, and see how I can use them to have another bash at the story :)

      Delete
  2. I enjoyed the story very much. That said, I concur with astrotomato's wonderful comments. Have you considered entering your work in the Writer's Digest competition? Here's a link to the details: http://www.writersdigest.com/competitions/writers-digest-annual-competition?et_mid=539540&rid=233417844

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  3. Hey, have you considered joining a writer's critique circle such as Scribophile? I learned so much there. I think your story has potential and would benefit from constructive critique.

    ReplyDelete